Thinking of you, my love, my once upon a time!
And suddenly a year has gone by my love, and so much has changed, and yet so much hasn’t. And although I should be looking forward, for just this once I will look back over my shoulder and remember.
The airport, you take my hand to say goodbye, I get a phone call and the moment passes. I finish my call, the airline calls for your flight to board, a small kiss on the lips and you’re gone. And with you are gone the dreams of the future that we had hoped to share.
Strange how you know an end is coming, and you prepare for it, and yet when it comes, you’re knocked breathless off your feet. What was that expression? Yes, it was like the wind going out of the sails. It was like gasping for air but no longer finding any.
And yet, it was like the end of a favorite novel, wishing you could go back to read the pages one more time and not being able to. And yet having the novel replay in your mind over and over again, the broken record that repeats the same verse.
The soft breaking of a heart that had already been broken before, broken by the same careless beautiful hands that did the breaking the last time. How was that possible? How could you break my heart twice? How could I let you? How can I still pray for you and hope that you’re happy wherever you are? How? How can I still miss you? Miss the talking, and laughing, and just being?
But I do miss that, and I miss you. But every time we talk I will tell you that I’m fine, and I will ask you how you are. And I will tell you about what’s happening in my life, and ask you about yours. I’ll ask about your friends and your parents and your life, your vineyard and your cat. I’ll ask about your new love interests, and tell you about mine. And we will laugh and chat just like we did before. And then we’ll say goodbye again, a flying kiss, a peck on the cheek, a prayer of blessing. And the goodbye will echo the others before, a heart shattering soundless and soft, an unspoken hope crushed by the need for something more.
And though my heart will still beat as strong as ever, it will continue always, no matter who you’re with, or who I’m with. This faint shadow of love that we shared will remain. It will have changed us, hopefully for the better. It will give us the ardour to look for more, to find the perfect love that we’d been looking for, to reach for that passion and to love more deeply than ever before. To give everything for love. No matter the the heartbreak, no matter the tears.
And I hope that one day we both find it. Yes, I know now that it will not be with each other. But I hope that it will be with the right ones. I hope you find her, the one you’re looking for, and I hope he finds me, the one who’s looking for me.
But for this moment, this minute, this hour, this day that lasts so long, I will look back, and I will remember our love. And I wonder if just for a minute you think of me? And while I remember and bury all that you meant to me, with those wistful tears in my eyes, I will cry.